Now this entry will touch on a few things but the main focus of it will be ” My penis” First off I’ve quit my position as Assistant general manager at my job because of the immense bullying I was enduring there..It was getting to a point where I was thinking about doing bad things to people. Things I’m quite capable of doing. And now that I’ve just become and instructor and trainer…I know they miss me there, I know that the atmosphere is not the same…those four hours that the new gm is there…they hate it I know…but It was the best decision…Otherwise people would end up hurt. So I’m happier in that aspect…I dont feel the urge to harm people daily as I did before..it was the best decision.

Now, down to the title of this. Previously in my entries I spoke of my girlfriend not having sex with me regularly which in turn causes issues in my head. But i’ve truly come to realize, she doesnt like it with me. I’ve never heard her say that sex with me was great..amazing..mind blowing..ya know all those things girls tell their friends about. I’ve just tonight figured it out…or sort of have an idea. My penis is to large…and in her eyes as a lover has caused me to be out of touch with I guess different forms of sex. How did I come to this conclusion? We were talking about a friend of hers and how her current fiance’s penis is small. And I said well that doesnt mean the sex is bad. She said no, the sex generally is better because they have to find neat tricks to make it better and everything cause its smaller.” I immediatley said “I dont want to talk about this anymore” She just said how sex with a man with smaller penis could potentially be better and always described mine as larger. So I just took her word for it. I just know I have one and it works.

But then I remembered..in an instant how she described sex with an ex b/f THE ex b/f. Instantly I was reminded of a conversation she had with me about him having a smaller penis, saying because it was smaller she felt like the sex wasnt going to be good..but it ended up being amazing. Instantly I felt crushed, wanting to outwardly destroy everything that was in front of me, in hopes that my physical strength and ability would make up for my inability to say things like that about me…and today I remembered that conversation..and it crept its way back into my head..and made me feel the same way. It made me ashamed of my penis..wishing it was smaller…wishing it wasnt the way it is..anything but what it is..because even now to this day.. I know she remembers that…she doesnt think about past times with me..and how she remembers them or how awesome they were..and I’m sitting here typing this in tears because I’m pretty sure I’m right. Its a piercing feeling in the middle of my chest attacking my confidence and self worth…what good is any of my abilities if the woman I’m in a relationship with doesnt want me, isnt craving me. I was happy that i didnt feel like I wanted to hurt anyone anymore. But it seems like when you’re happiest it just gives you something to lose. So here’s a picture of it…why because I felt like there should be a picture to the accusation.. you decide either way…I’m not getting any. whatever.

\

No one ever hears me scream. No one ever eally pays to much attention. But once the screams stop, once the silence is deafeniing. They will all know. My kindness is not weakness. I dont want them to see…I dont want them to know and understand the weapon that I’ve locked away inside me. But once its out, its out…and they’re drilling away at its containment. None of them respect what I do, but soon they’ll respect what I do to them, if they’re able to walk. When the screams stop, its to late.

The Cancer man will not be direct with you. He will approach you cautiously and slowly. He will be very romantic and flirty and attempt to court you and win your heart with lavish gifts and attention. The reason he will never be direct with you is that he has a strong underlying fear of rejection. Of you are interested in a Cancer man, you will probably have to make the first move and ask him on a date. He falls in love easily and will make you his whole world. Once you “belong to him”, he will hold on to you and can become quite jealous and possessive. This is because he is worried he will lose you to another man and that would crush his spirit. He needs you to be loyal and faithful for he is the same, in a strong and close relationship, Cancer men are the most loyal of the astrology signs. They make excellent lovers for the tender woman who loves romance and being swept off her feet. Cancer is very affectionate and thrives on holding hands all the time, and constant physical contact as he absorbs the situation and experiences with his feelings. The cancer man is all about feeling. He might not show it however and might portray a calm and cool exterior but underneath, he feels deeply and intensely. Cancer men are easily offended so do not jokingly make fun of them for they will take offense and get hurt, but once again, this will not be known to you. He will simply sulk on his own while he tries to figure out and dissect what you said. Cancer men are excellent male protectors, they are like the knight in shining armor. If you are the kind of woman that likes being looked after and cared for, and loves affection and devotion, this romantic, sensual man is perfect for you.

I hate being a Cancer. I wish I was strong for me, instead of strong for everyone else. everything above is sooo true about me. I hate it.

Motorcycle Gear

When dreams will never last, caught in fears of past
Shades of forgotten melodies will sing your tears far away
Harmony will stay
If you believe you are worh your own peace

Warm rivers full of life flow to paradise
Leave memories of stormy seas and break an ocean of ice
Days will follow nights
Just believe your vision will come alive

After all, looking back on ways you’ve left behind
Only dreams survived
Life has turned to different times
Feelings changed… the seasons

Open up your mind
Hear my voice inside
Fight your destiny
Your future shines as far as I can see.

I woke up with him in my arms. Startled I had no idea who this child was nor where he came from. He was sound asleep. I could feel his breath on my neck as slept. Light colored in complexion, little curls, but almost straight hair. Wearing transformer pajamas, he couldn’t have been anymore than 4-5. But I looked at him, and…he looked like me. So I cradled him, and I could feel his heart beat, with each beat it brought more tears to my eyes. I saw his life flash before my eyes. What he could be, what could happen to him, what the world might try to make of him. And I was so scared, and so happy, and so sad all at the same time. My grip was getting tighter on him trying to protect him from the very air he was breathing to live. I loved him, I loved him so much and I would’ve given my life to see him smile. I knew he was mine. Where I’d been up until that point where I was holding him would soon make sense..all I could think about was my boy. I put my hand on his head, and held him tight. He began to wake up and looked at me and looked at me and started playing with my face…”Why are you crying daddy” With a stern look on his face, as if he were really concerned about his father, wanting to now know who hurt his daddy. I couldnt speak I just held him and and cried. I said now tell daddy your name. “Xander” I said good…and how old are you..he said 3. I said oohhh…you’re a big boy! and he smiled and giggled. I said whens your birthday, he said “FEBRARY” I laughed and saiiid ” FEBRARY what? He held up his hand and all five of fingers were up. And in that very instant my heart sank…I knew I was dreaming…I knew it was a nightmare…I knew who he was. I knew where he’d come from and I began to cry so much more. I dropped to my knees, unable to stop. I looked back at him and he asked ” Why did you let mommy kill me daddy? Why dont you love me? was I bad?” I said no…no son…no I love you so much I swear I do… I love you I would never…and he began to fade and dissappear. And I woke up. 

My girlfriend and I werent ready for a child, and she had an abortion. I supported her decision fully. But every so often I think to myself about my child…what he/she could’ve looked like, could’ve become. I wouldnt change what we decided to do..it was the best we could do at the time. But I’m often haunted by the decision. I wanted the child…she didnt…so it was out of my hands. she cried for days. I cried for months. She’ll never know it though. I’ll carry that, its no problem. 

Xtealth Mode

During our sparring session on Sunday I was put in touch with some stunt guys that actually added me to a local film and stunt group in the area. I was soooo excited. And I will start doing fight scenes with them this Saturday from 4-8. It’ll be great to finally get some footage and documentation and stunt work. I’m soooo excited. I’m not really sure what to expect but, I’ll do my best, and hopefully just hopefully this the first step of many.

The style of Kung Fu that I’ve done for the last 24 years is very very rare. I’ve not heard of anyone else practicing it or even heard of it. The only ones who may have come across it was the creators of Mortalk Kombat and their character Sub Zero who was a chinese assassin. Its called “Forest Ghost” in english. It entails a lot of stealth application, traditional Kung Fu (northern style). Lots of long range attacks, jump kicks, acrobatics, and it is also very deadly. Everyone is a huge fan of Ninja and the excitement and skill level of them. All of ninjutsu’s skill and techniques are derived from the Forest Ghost Kung Fu system. They’ve adapted their own weaponry over the centuries, but a lot of their skill set and movements are still Kung Fu. The elder of Ninjutsu Hatsumi Sensei will never admit this, but he knows. 

With all of that being said, I trained with a great group of guys this weekend. Masters of Viper style, Oso Tayari Casel, and Patrick Gayle. Both of which are amazing at what they do. Oso in his practice has been on the cover of Kung Fu magazine and countless others. But we trained this weekend and he was very encouraging in my goals. We went out to eat and while we ate, he was surprised by my customs. He is the master, so my goals objectives are 1 : Show him the highest respect possible. 2: He eats first, I must not eat anything until he does. 3: Protect him, never let anyone to close to him. He walks in front until there’s a threat presented, also let him sit facing the exit. He just wasnt expecting it, because not many people still operate that way. It was nice to be, in the presence of greatness again. 

The next day I went to a sparring session with a few different martial artists in Gaithersburg. All different styles, Kung Fu, Karate, Tae Kwon do, Jiu Jitsu, all under one roof. And it was just a good time. We had a lot of fun learning from one another. It was literally a battery recharge. I felt what it was like to be around traditionalists again. I really needed it, badly. Their hearts are so so pure. Brothers in arms. No one drew blood, no one tried to hurt one another, just learning. A great time indeed. It also made me realize that even though, I dont particularly feel that the place I work is particularly right for me anymore, it has allowed me to atleast train so much more than I have while I was an officer. I was on the Ert (Emergency Response Team). Its like swat for military bases. While it was fun and I could use my training in moving quickly and agile with this.. it was very stressful. I went from looking like this 

To being able to do this daily

Eventually I may have to go back into law enforcement just to make more money, but its a small price to pay to do what I finally need to do.

If dogs and cats can, why cant we?

So this is a few days ago..I’ve weighed myself and I’m approximately 262 pounds which is great. Thing is everyone thinks I’m on roids because I weigh so much and I’m only 6 ft tall. I just tell em…200 lbs of it is in my ass. lol. But I’m going to be working on a short film soon and I have to be in what they call super hero shape. So along with maintaining this weight…I have to be fast, if not faster than I am, more acrobatic and more agile. Also…maybe I’ll get more followers if I post more pictures of myself lol. I dont reblog, i just think its kinda weird..cause its other people’s thoughts. But the followers I have thankyou so much. You all are awesome!